I never lived outside of New York until now. For a little less than twenty five years, I lived on Long Island and, it was only until last year that I decided to leave. While there, I knew who I was: a hard working stoner who loves music and, art. I knew what I liked, I knew the people I wanted to be around and so forth. But, I also knew that I was broken. I understood that I had a quick temper and, any attack would result in my defending myself to the max. Especially against my abuser. I also started suffering (and I emphasize the word suffering) from random and severe anxiety attacks that I never experienced before. They were so intense that on one instance, my hands and arms stiffened up, it became hard for me to breathe and, I had to be carried out of my room by my now finance because I could not move. It was scary as hell and I really thought I was dying (as usual). So, because of 24 years of distress living with family, I knew exactly why this was happening to me. And, even though I had a therapist, meditated, prayed and ate extremely healthy, I knew it was time to take the most drastic out of all solutions: So I moved.
As unbelievable as it sounds, my fiance and I literally got up and ran to the state of Virginia. I came knowing nothing about Virginia expect for the fact that it wasn't New York and, that I needed to be this far away. When we got here, I dealt with the remnants of my physical symptoms of PTSD and generalized anxiety but, I was much more able to focus on the cure. And even though we have and are still going through heartbreaking moments, being out of my well known environment really helping me to blossom.
But, now that we are 9 months into the move and, one eye opening orgasm later (keep reading), I had a revelation. I realized that after leaving all the stress behind, I no longer knew who I was.
Am i even a stoner now that I'm not dealing with depression? Do i genuinely enjoy art or do I draw because i taught myself while hiding? Did I ever genuinely like certain people or was it forced onto me due to circumstance? Because so much of my life was out of my control, I have to question everything about me (expect for the fact that I love music) I realized I was just a mold of what my abuser and some family (and outsiders) made of me and I didn't know who I was, one hundred precent.
Now, to be honest, me asking "Who Am I" was not only influenced by the move but, also by my fiancé and I making "love". Weird twist right? I'll explain:
Recently, for the first time in my life, I had reached climax while a man was on top and holding me in his arms. Not only have I never reached orgasm with penetration (like majority of women), I've never had a full on complete orgasm while being held by someone I love and, truly believe loves me back. (So yes that shit had me trying to figure out who I was and who the hell his ass was too) Throughout the years of having sex, I would have to "get mine" orally then allow him get his. For the first time ever, we came together.....
At the age of 26, I finally physically felt love in a completely different way and this new way opened a gateway of deep thinking. SERIOUSLY. The day after, I was left to wonder:
"Is this what sex is suppose to feel like?"
"Is this what sex with someone who wants to marry you suppose to feel like'
"Did I not know how to have sex this whole time?"
"Do guys just not know how to have sex?"
"If this is how it's suppose to feel, how could everyone just have sex with each other?"
"How many women are waiting for this moment" and so on.
As well as it being an outstanding additive to my healing process, it was mainly an eye opening moment. I laid in bed and, thought for a long time about what else I have been missing. With all these questions, of course "Who in the fuck am I at this point?" was the new question in my head lol! But, seriously it made me realize that I had (and kind of have) no clue of who I am now that I don't need to be defensive and fight all of the time. This whole twenty something years, I was never, not once, the oppressor, always the victim, always on the defense. Now that I'm enjoying tranquility, being in Virginia, new food, experience, frequent sex, a lot less stress, I need to learn who I really am as this adult and what I stand for.
On a side note: I found myself envious of the narcissist personality now that I'm on the outside of it all. The fact that they get what they want and get it now. Or the fact that they can be married and have 20 partners and not lose their spouse, i find to be an amazing trait (sarcasm) but, I know the true free spirit in me wouldn't allow that, especially because I can not STAND trying to control someone else's life or situation. This is key for me because I could have easily chose to be a dickhead narcissist as this new me but, I chose to be healed instead.
In conclusion, many of us were born and raised in drama, stress and, abuse. I moved because I was tired of physically dying due to abuse at such a young age. I was tired of being cursed out by my narcissist so much, tired of him throwing my property away, throwing items at me, I got tired of watching him belittle other members of my family, my body got so sick from the stress this one psychotic person caused for over 25 years. Moving has helped in my healing process. And, this new sex with my partner is helping me as well. Within the next 25 years I should be able to say "This is exactly who I am".
But, now that we are 9 months into the move and, one eye opening orgasm later (keep reading), I had a revelation. I realized that after leaving all the stress behind, I no longer knew who I was.
Am i even a stoner now that I'm not dealing with depression? Do i genuinely enjoy art or do I draw because i taught myself while hiding? Did I ever genuinely like certain people or was it forced onto me due to circumstance? Because so much of my life was out of my control, I have to question everything about me (expect for the fact that I love music) I realized I was just a mold of what my abuser and some family (and outsiders) made of me and I didn't know who I was, one hundred precent.
Now, to be honest, me asking "Who Am I" was not only influenced by the move but, also by my fiancé and I making "love". Weird twist right? I'll explain:
Recently, for the first time in my life, I had reached climax while a man was on top and holding me in his arms. Not only have I never reached orgasm with penetration (like majority of women), I've never had a full on complete orgasm while being held by someone I love and, truly believe loves me back. (So yes that shit had me trying to figure out who I was and who the hell his ass was too) Throughout the years of having sex, I would have to "get mine" orally then allow him get his. For the first time ever, we came together.....
At the age of 26, I finally physically felt love in a completely different way and this new way opened a gateway of deep thinking. SERIOUSLY. The day after, I was left to wonder:
"Is this what sex is suppose to feel like?"
"Is this what sex with someone who wants to marry you suppose to feel like'
"Did I not know how to have sex this whole time?"
"Do guys just not know how to have sex?"
"If this is how it's suppose to feel, how could everyone just have sex with each other?"
"How many women are waiting for this moment" and so on.
As well as it being an outstanding additive to my healing process, it was mainly an eye opening moment. I laid in bed and, thought for a long time about what else I have been missing. With all these questions, of course "Who in the fuck am I at this point?" was the new question in my head lol! But, seriously it made me realize that I had (and kind of have) no clue of who I am now that I don't need to be defensive and fight all of the time. This whole twenty something years, I was never, not once, the oppressor, always the victim, always on the defense. Now that I'm enjoying tranquility, being in Virginia, new food, experience, frequent sex, a lot less stress, I need to learn who I really am as this adult and what I stand for.
In conclusion, many of us were born and raised in drama, stress and, abuse. I moved because I was tired of physically dying due to abuse at such a young age. I was tired of being cursed out by my narcissist so much, tired of him throwing my property away, throwing items at me, I got tired of watching him belittle other members of my family, my body got so sick from the stress this one psychotic person caused for over 25 years. Moving has helped in my healing process. And, this new sex with my partner is helping me as well. Within the next 25 years I should be able to say "This is exactly who I am".
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